


What Say You?

by Rowhanna_Lavellan



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition - Trespasser DLC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:08:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24605965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rowhanna_Lavellan/pseuds/Rowhanna_Lavellan
Summary: PLEASE do NOT read this if talks of suicide, suicidal ideation, suicidal attempts and the like are triggers for you!I am truly, TRULY, sorry that this story came into being... This is not how I see or feel about solavellan fanfics or the relationship between Solas and Lavellan at all. Yet it was there and it demanded to be written. There will NOT be a continuation of this. This is it. I can't justify why I wrote this, just know that I did so with a heavy heart.
Relationships: Dalish (Dragon Age: Inquisition)/Solas, Female Inquisitor & Solas, Female Inquisitor/Solas (Dragon Age), Female Lavellan/Solas, Female Mage Lavellan & Solas, Fen'Harel | Solas/Female Lavellan, Lavellan & Solas
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	What Say You?

Solas turned and there she was. She was as beautiful and as proud as ever. Defiance and anger flashed behind her eyes, the same look he had witnessed countless times before when someone crossed her. This time it was apparent that it had been _he_ who would be bearing the brunt of that rage in her eyes, even if she spoke calmly. She looked at him and he knew she was studying the disbelief on his face.

“No... This cannot be. You cannot be real.” He heard his own voice, the words escaping him then bouncing back as if they came from far off, from somewhere else. He shook his head and looked at her once more, still standing there, disbelief contorting his face. “This must be some trick, an illusion. You... you are dead.”

She took a solitary step forward and cocked her head to the side then began to speak. There was no mistaking it, he knew it was her. The same voice, the same lilt, and he was too confounded to speak again and for once it was _she_ that was in control, not him.

“Am I?” she asked. “Or is that something I simply wanted everyone to believe, including you?”

He didn't know what to say, what to think, as she stood before him. He had been told she was dead, found in the depths of the Brecilian Forest. He had not wanted to believe it and so he searched the Fade but found nothing. The light that once belonged to her was all but gone, yet here she was. He could not take his eyes off of her, could not tear his gaze from her, and he knew, yes, he knew. Knew by her tone that she had come to speak her piece, and whatever it was she had to say he owed her that much. No matter what she threw his way, no matter the reason she had sought him out for after so long, he owed her. So he remained silent, held still by her gaze, as she continued and retold the events of what had occurred.

* * *

Tell me, Solas, what did you see with your own eyes? Did you go look at me yourself, or did you allow yourself to believe what you had been told? That was the easier option, wasn't it? Why is that, Solas? Why did you not go yourself? Surely your scouts reported my death to you long before Liliana's spies found what they also believed to be me. Surely you could have gone there completely undetected to confirm my death with your own eyes without having been found, even if to say goodbye one final time. Yet you did not.

Was it that you could not stand to bear witness to my corpse with your own eyes? Oh I'm certain you searched for me in the Fade, but there was nothing to find, was there? Having found nothing you relied on the Fade to confirm my death and allowed yourself to believe the rumors you had been told. You cannot blame those who found me, they had no reason to suspect that what they found was not me. No way to confirm it. Nor a way to deny it.

I can see the question in your eyes; What motivated me to go to such great lengths to orchestrate such an elaborate ruse? _That_ is what you are wondering.

I was tired, Solas. I still am. Tired and broken to my very core. I have nothing. I have no one. And now, through my supposed death, I am both nothing and no one. Death was the only freedom I could take solace in. I _was_ going to drink the poison. I had thought long and hard on it, fully committed to ending my suffering, for I could not bear another day of this life. But I didn't.

From the moment we met you were ground beneath my feet. Strong and solid, and I knew, or at least believed, that I would always have you at my side. You would always be there. And if I fell, if I faltered, it would be you who would catch me. From the Anchor and the Breach, through the Rifts and demons, even the destruction of Haven, you were there. Always. Dependable. Reliable. The ground beneath my feet. You fought beside me in the war during the Mage Rebellion and the Red Templars. You guided me in wisdom, showed me how to look at the world beyond the narrow scope of my vision. You showed me wonders I had never seen, told me truths that I and my people were ignorant of, spoke of our history that had been lost to time. You showed me how to hone my magic, how to control with focused energy and intent as I dreamed in the Fade so that I may explore its wonders and beauties, befriend the spirits and wisps I met.

In the beginning, you were my friend, my confidant. Then, with but a single kiss in the Fade, a kiss that I had craved for so long, you became _more_. My love, my heart, my soul. Your love was more precious than anything else in the whole world, your heart the greatest gift I had ever had. Each kiss we shared, each time you held my hand in yours, every warm embrace and the gentlest caress against my skin were precious and rare moments I would always treasure. Every conversation we had I held onto like a precious jewel.

Even _you_ cannot deny that we were meant to love one another.

When it all began I was no one, sneered upon, reviled as a lowly savage in the eyes of the Humans surrounding me. Nothing more than a common "Knife Ear" to everyone. But you and the Inquisition transformed me, shaped me, into something different. _Someone_ different. I did not desire power, fame, nor fortune. I did what I had to because it was the right thing to do. At times the Anchor felt like a curse, but if I was the only person capable of stopping Corypheus and the chaos and madness he had created, I would find a way to put an end to him or die trying. I would stop his Venatori and seal the Breach. And through it all, loving you gave me something worth fighting for, living for, and so I fought even harder.

You told me you loved me, and I believed you, believed _in_ you.

When you took me to Crestwood your smile was brighter than I had ever seen, an excitement lit up your face like never before. Then you broke my heart. Mere moments after telling me how beautiful I was, how marvelous was my spirit, how much I meant to you. Then you pulled away from me. Told me it was over, that _we_ were over. You walked away even though I pleaded with you. Pushed me aside and left me there alone. I was left behind with nothing but the tears I shed. I don't know how many hours I remained sobbing as I knelt on the grass. How many tears I shed. There were so many that can never be counted. And each tear that fell from my eyes were like small fragments of my shattered heart as they fell onto the grass in which I knelt.

You said it was because you had distracted me from my duties. The truth is had it not been for you I don't believe I would not have been able to forge forward. You were my strength, and when you left me, you took my strength with you.

Finally I mustered the courage to return to Skyhold. I stood outside the door of the rotunda for what seemed like an eternity afraid to face you. I needed answers, I needed to know why, because I did not understand. I was hurt, angry, and destroyed as I stared at your door. It was when I gained the courage to enter the rotunda that the worst part hit me; It was when you greeted me, or, rather, _how_ you greeted me. Do you remember that moment? You called me “Inquisitor.” You addressed me by my title. Not my name, not Vhenan, nor even “My heart.” It took everything I had to stifle the pain deeper within so that I could speak. Even the softness in your voice was gone.

It was as if we had never been. As if what we had shared had never happened. Like a beautiful dream and I was waking up to a nightmare.

You told me that once we defeated Corypheus all would be revealed. You would tell me everything, answer all my questions. What a misguided fool I was. I was clinging onto hope, I suppose. I thought it meant that when our work was done we would be together again and you would give me the answers I was looking for.

You kept your word, I'll give you that. You never made any claims that we would be reunited, but you did tell me everything. You revealed who and what you truly are. You're role in the Elven Rebellion, how the Evanuris murdered Mythal and you banished them to the Beyond for their crimes, then how you created the Veil to seal them away. You spent a millennium slumbering in Uthenera. You told me how when you awoke you were too weak to unlock your orb and so you gave it to Corypheus believing he would die as a result. You took the blame of the Breach in the Veil, it was your blame to take after all, and then you told me of your plans to tear down the Veil and why.

I understood why. I still do. I understand all of it. You saw that without the Fade we elves are dying off. Our lives becoming shorter with each passing generation as we are separated from the Fade. You want to correct that mistake. You did not know how we would be affected when you first created the Veil. It took a thousand years in Uthenera only to awake and witness how dire and vastly different we elves today are compared to what we once were. You said it was like a sea of Tranquil. Without our connection to the Fade we are a species on the brink of extinction.

Yes, you answered every question and held back nothing. All except the question I needed an answer to the most. What of us? I begged you to take me with you. I told you that I believed in your cause. Even if I could do nothing to help, in the very least allow me to be at your side, but you denied me. You spoke the sweetest farewell, and then with a final kiss, you left me... again.

I returned to the Summit and officially disbanded the Inquisition. Yet the others knew of your involvement with the Corypheus by then as well as your plans. They desired nothing more than to stop you at all costs. I argued with them, pleaded with them, but they would not see reason. There was nothing I could say or do to sway them. They would hunt you down even if though I commanded them not to. That was when I realized I no longer held any sway over them, no power over them. They said that I am blinded by my love for you.

Perhaps they are right?

Still, disbanding the Inquisition itself was not enough. Leaving the Inquisition was not enough. I could not stand by and watch, or take part in, their hunt for you. Their desire for vengeance, and so-called justice. Nor did I have it in me to fight the very people I had come to care about despite their decision. I could not stop them even if I wanted to. To do so would mean cutting down the very people I had grown to love and view as family. So there I was stuck in the middle of action or inaction. I chose the latter.

I was left with no choice but to disappear putting as much distance between them and myself.

When the opportunity presented itself I slipped away as best I could and sought out Morrigan. I needed her, I needed her help. Of all the people I knew Morrigan held no loyalties to the Inquisition. She never officially joined us. I knew that out of everyone that she alone would perform the task I wanted and would keep my whereabouts a secret. I doubt anyone bothered to even ask Morrigan if she knew where I had gone, truth be told. And for all her wits as a Spymaster, Leliana is no match when it comes to outwitting Morrigan despite their history.

As you can see I now have my arm back. That is what I turned to Morrigan for. Yes I resorted to blood magic. or more accurately, sought out Morrigan to perform it. I knew she was no stranger to forbidden magic and was more than capable of the task at hand. I could not go to Dorian with this. Though he would have given in to my request and find someone in Tevinter he trusted to do what I needed, asking him such a thing would have opened the old wounds of his past with his father. An old wound that had yet to heal, and the recent death of his father which he still mourns. I could not do that to a friend I hold dear, and I could not risk anyone from the Inquisition finding out for surely Dorian would have told the Inquisition if Leliana's people pressed. After all, there are no secrets in Tevinter. Not truly.

No, it had to be Morrigan. If you feel the need to be angered with anyone, then be angry at me not her. She only did as I asked.

Together we hid in the Korcari Wilds, the same old hut that she grew up in with Flemeth. She knew no one would think to look for her there, the very place she despised. Nor would anyone think to ask Morrigan where I might possibly be. She was the safest choice for what I needed.

So there we stayed in a small hut in the marshes. The process was not easy nor was it painless, and it took a long time to complete. Perhaps that was sheer vanity on my part, wanting my arm restored? As a Mage I felt useless without it. I needed something to make me feel whole again, and I believed that would be enough. It wasn't. I can cast magic with it just as effectively as if it were my original though it took time. I spent the free time I had to train my new arm and hand to channel magic effectively. Muscle memory, I suppose, but it took longer than expected. For the time being it proved a good distraction from what was eating away at me on the inside. What I was trying to ignore and hide from.

Morrigan allowed me to stay in the hut and returned to Orlais to prevent suspicion. She went out of her way to attend balls and gala's, once again making a name for herself within the ranks of nobility. You see, Morrigan had to be seen while I was considered missing. It was an easy feat, to be truthful. Of all the Eluvian's you retrieved the one you either overlooked or could not locate was still in her possession. The very one she brought with her to Skyhold. Traveling to and from Orlais was so very simple with the help of her Eluvian. She kept it well hidden, even from you. Perhaps you believed it broken or rendered unusable like so many others are?

Yet each night you continued to haunt my dreams. You had left me, but each night you returned. Over and over. And each night I would beg you to choose; Leave me be or return to me, neither of which you did. Do you know or even understand exactly how devastating your invasions in my dreams were? How with each visit you were slowly killing me inside like twisting a dagger in my heart?

Again and again I begged you; Leave me be or return to me.  
  
Again and again you did neither.  
  
It was maddening. I felt as if I would lose my sanity...

So I began to practice. You left me no choice. I had to learn how to hide my location in the world when you came to me as I slept. Without the Anchor it proved more difficult at first, but as time passed I quickly learned to dream with exceeding focus to hide my presence in the Fade so that you could not find me. To shut you out of my mind and my dreams for good when the time came to execute my plan.

I also needed to hide my pain from Cole so he would not seek me out for he would have known, and he would have told you.

When I was ready to leave the Korcari Wilds Morrigan gave me a pack with some basic supplies. Enough to travel lightly; Food and water, not much else. It was enough. But I had made a particular request from her. A vial of poison so lethal that a mere sip would kill a person, enough of it would render their remains unrecognizable. She tried to argue with me, talk me out of it, but I persisted. She relented only if I agreed to also take with me the antidote. At that time I was uncertain myself whether or not I would follow through with it. Would I drink the poison and take my own life? I did not know.

I craved release; From the pain, the world, from life, from my haunted dreams.

She then took me to the Brecilian Forest and I forced her to leave me so I could choose for myself. Before leaving she argued a final time to reconsider the poison I had been given. I reminded her that I still had the antidote and had yet to decide whether or not I would drink it. Reluctantly she left me to wander the forest knowing that the decision was ultimately mine to make and I would have found a way with or without her help.

I sent her off on another mission, for I still needed her help in one last matter. One final favor that I will reveal to you shortly. Then I traveled the forest aimlessly. Lost in my thoughts with no direction, no destination. I just roamed with each passing day until nightfall, sleeping wherever I could lay my head. I needed no fire, for it was warm enough to sleep without one. I avoided Dalish Clans when I stumbled across their trails so that I could avoid detection. I had to ensure that no one saw me or recognized me. No one could discover who I was or where I was headed. Truth is, I didn't even know where I was headed myself. I've lost count for how long I've been gone. Time flows differently when you are lost within yourself.

I remember the morning that came where for the first time in a long time I shed no tears. And when you'd seek me out in the Fade I ignored you and pushed you out of my dreams. I'd leave you with the same choice before closing the door; Return to me or leave me be. I could not allow you to discover my whereabouts just yet. And I couldn't risk you discovering what I might have ended up doing. As always you would stand there with that sweet sadness in your eyes then walk away. After awhile I stopped asking. Whenever you arrived in my dreams I would close the door on you. I was finally capable of sealing my mind whenever you appeared because I already knew your answer. You would not seek me out, you would not come for me, yet you could not bring yourself to leave me in peace.

I woke up one morning and knew someone was on my trail. I could sense it. I was close to being found. I don't know how many times I circled back around trying to lose them. Whether it was your people or Leliana's I did not know. How my location was discovered I also did not know. Perhaps I passed too close to a Dalish Clan and someone recognized me? It didn't matter, I had to keep moving, and fast. I knew that Leliana's spies would want to tail me believing that I was looking for you. They would follow closely behind on her orders in the hopes that if I discovered your location the Inquisition could act. They would begin their hunt. You see, it wasn't _me_ they were looking for, perhaps at first that had been the case, but by now it was _you_ they wanted. I was just bait, I was their means of finding you.

How foolish they are in believing they could stop someone such as you.

As for your people? I suppose you just wanted to always know where I was? Especially once I began to effectively hide myself in the Fade. I don't know why and no longer care. It is all behind me now.

When I realized that I was close to being discovered I realized that I had already made my decision, so I contacted Morrigan for her help one final time. Morrigan had gifted me with one last item before leaving me to the forest, a sending crystal, so I took it out of my pouch and called for her. With it she was able to locate me quickly and had been busy with that final request I had asked of her before leaving me to the forest. I knew then that since I not already taken the poison and felt the need to evade detection that I was going to resort to my backup plan.

Morrigan had searched for, and found, an elven woman that resembled me close enough to fool anyone based on the particular poison that was in my possession. Same hair color and length, same eye color. Similar in height and shape, close enough in age. She was ill. Dying from a terrible disease of which there is no cure and suffering unimaginable pain. We offered to end her suffering if she agreed to take my stead. We adorned her in my clothing, gave her all my possessions, then catered to every tiny detail possible to ensure it was as believable as possible. Even to the point of magically amputating her arm exactly where mine had been when you took that from me as well. Everything needed to look as it should be, _she_ needed to look enough like me to fool everyone. Then we gave this unknown elven woman the poison. It eased her pain and then she drifted off off into a comatose like state. In the end, she smiled softly for she had suffered for so long and now her pain was gone, taken from her, even at the cost of her life. We gave her that one brief moment of peace.

Sadly I don't even know her name. I never thought to ask.

As the poison coursed through her veins taking her life, her skin shriveled and turned black. All that remained in the end was a shriveled husk of an almost unrecognizable woman. There she was in my clothing propped up to look as if resting against the tree, my staff clutched in one hand and the empty vial in the other. Before we left we erased all traces of our presence. Morrigan had concocted the poison in a manner that would prevent Dorian, or any other Mortalitasi, from successfully being capable of raising her spirit in an attempt to confirm her identity. I doubt even Cole would have been able to know the truth of her.

As I looked back I knew that this peasant elf had no family, no friends, no one left behind to miss her. No one to raise questions as to where she had disappeared to. I do not know where Morrigan found her. My only regret is not having asked what her name was so that I could thank her and honor her sacrifice. Yet in death she became me. In death she had assumed my identity. The Herald of Andraste was gone, the Inquisitor dead... Sae'lahnna Lavellan was no more. This unknown woman's suffering was over at last, and this woman who had nothing in her life would receive a burial of the highest regards. All of Thedas would mourn her and shed their tears of sorrow for who they truly believed was me.

That was the only other gift I had to offer her.

Thanks to her sacrifice I was free at last. The search for me was over. There was no longer a need to seek me out when she was found. Leliana's people retreated after finding her and returned to Skyhold with her. My light in the Fade that you sought out each night to haunt my dreams? I then blocked it from you entirely. I knew you would turn to the Fade to seek the truth. To you, I had winked out of existence thus ensuring that you also believed the lie.

To the world, and you, I have been presumed dead for six moon cycles and Morrigan will take my secret to the grave with her.

I was finally free from everyone and everything... except for you.  
  
I was finally free to have my life back... but there is no life for me without you.

You said you do not wish for me to see what you must become, that you must walk the path of the Din'Anshiral alone. Tell me, Solas, when you are completed with your task who will be there to pull you out of the darkness? Who will bring you back from the edge of the void that you must face? Do you truly wish to suffer alone as you struggle with the pain and guilt you will no doubt feel? Would you not prefer to have someone at your side that loves you for all that you are, all that you were, and all that you might become?

I have loved you for all the good I see in you and love you still despite all your flaws. That is what love is about. Grant me the chance to be with you and guide you back from the darkness when you need it. You can't possibly tell me that you truly believe that in your darkest hours I would abandon you despite everything? Have I not proven my love for you enough? Come what may, I choose to remain at your side and do everything I can to save you from yourself, just as you have saved me from myself time and again.

I know you have your reasons, yet though you say they are all that is what is best for _me_ , it has always been what is best for _you_.

Compared to your life I will wither and die before you in a blink of an eye.

When the Veil is removed you cannot protect me from your enemies.

Either way you look at it, I am a mortal woman and my death is inevitable. Whether through old age, the chaos to come, or at the hands of your enemies my death is certain. Yet you deny me the right to make that choice myself when that choice is not yours to make. It never was.

If I must die, I'd rather it be with at your side.  
  
If I have to live without you, then I choose death over life.  
  
Living without love is not living at all.

So as I have asked of you in every dream in which you've haunted, I shall ask you one final time; Return to me or leave me in peace. After all the choice is yours... It always has been. You must choose, and you must do so now. For you see, I emptied the vial that contained the antidote Morrigan gave me and kept enough of the poison for myself.

What say you, Solas?


End file.
